a glimpse to begin

background

the manual describes one autists’ attempt to make better sense of life, the mind, and cognition – following a late (adult) dual-diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

Rather than focus on a first-hand account of my personal life post psychiatric diagnosis: the manual centres around a personal investigation, of some ‘unusual personal circumstances’, which began just prior ¹

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motivation

like many adult diagnosed autists, I became motivated to better-understand some of my-own unusual circumstances ², after an impactful life event

for me, becoming a father

up to then, I had engineered my life around some ‘unusual personal circumstances’, which included an almost existentially critical need to avoid interruptions while working – or studying, or tinkering, or thinking – which in practice, was ‘as much of my life, and my time, as feasibly possible’ ³

now though, with the arrival of a baby, the peaceful sanctity of our home (and my life) was no more, and my ability to think without interruption, deteriorated, rapidly

I adored our baby immediately. and sincerely wanted to be the best father in the world – but I found I was no longer able think in the way I used to, and needed to, to survive; and so, as time progressed, this new situation of ours, became less and less tenable

for me, being interrupted while deep in thought, is a traumatic event – though different types of interruption bear different cost

#tbc describe

in practice, the worst kind of interruption, was any person abruptly imposing interpersonal interaction upon me (in person, phone ⁴); demanding that I immediately consider something other than the current topic of my focus

in practice, my own baby (whom every fibre of my body compelled me to tend to) satisfied all of these conditions, and as such, represented all that I had engineered my life to avoid. and now, I had ‘set one up’ at home

something had to be done

up until now, my circumstances (although unusual to most others) were normal to me. and I had not pursued any kind of assessment, because – when able to control my own circumstances and environment, ‘I was fine’. but much more than fine. I was often blissfully content ⁵. a fully embodied state of ‘blissful contentment’ which would happen spontaneously, while working. ⁶

without interruptions, I might exist that way for much of the day ⁷, but despite that, I did not know exactly how I got there ⁸

—what if by investigating ‘formally’, this all stopped happening at all?

i didn’t know; and I didn’t want to find out

my own mind was a profoundly mysterious place, with benefits. and I had avoided the need to find out more – and risk losing those benefits – by avoiding others. simple really. and an arrangement which, up until then, worked great

but now, a tiny wiggling snuggly (poopy and pukey) nemesis, had thoroughly harshed the calm of my existence, and called me out

our home wasn’t big enough for the two of us (as we were in that moment)—something, or someone, had to change

my nemesis was, objectively, perfect. and apparently, I ought to be the bigger man; so I would go, to discover more about who (or what) I was. and maybe, when the time came, and if needed, I might also know my little nemesis a little better too

this was a reckoning. my nemesis had already won

but it was probably time I found out, anyway

my mission, discover ⁹:

1. what, of myself, might I be able to change?
2. what, of myself, must I accept, and work around?

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unusual personal circumstances

#tbc

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investigating

between a hunch and a hedge